totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
