just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
