Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
