its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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