Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
