We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
