Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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