I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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