Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
