I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
