wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
