the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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