At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
