im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
