3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
