I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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