at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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