He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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