theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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