I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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