im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
