sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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