Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
