You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
