I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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