grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
