I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
