i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
