Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
