Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
