My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
