YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
