there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
