no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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