Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
