Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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