Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
