u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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