i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
