Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
