Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
