why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
