Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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