was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
