She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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