If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
