1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
