i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
