Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
