We won't sleep together?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Randomize
