Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
