i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
